


It Ends Tonight

by SWAWindsong



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5971768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SWAWindsong/pseuds/SWAWindsong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reimagining of events after Tsukishima agreed to practice extra with Bokuto and Kuroo at the summer camp, aka Yamaguchi has already convinced him that he should at least try as hard as he could. </p><p>“Commotio cordis” – Latin for “agitation of the heart”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluekujira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluekujira/gifts).



> Recounting canon events: 
> 
> Chapter 86 - Moonrise  
> Bokut: “Y’know, It’s just like I though glasses-kun. You’re good at the ‘reading’ part, but your blocks sure are weak. I’d be worried about breaking my arm or something like that. You’ve gotta stop the ball with a BAM! A BAM! Like that!”  
> Tsukishima: “I’m still young and developing you see, my physical strength and height still have a ways to go~.  
> Kuroo: “If you say such easy-going things, that shorty will take all the good parts for himself. You play the same position, don’t you?”  
> Tsukishima: “That’s just plain unavoidable, isn’t it? Hinata’s innate abilities and mine are completely different after all”
> 
> Akaashi: “Looks like you stepped on a landmine, huh, Kuroo-san.”  
> Bokuto: “You made him mad. What a blunder, provocation expert Kuroo-kun.”  
> Kuroo: “Nah…I mean, who’d have thought?”  
> Bokuto: “Thought what?”  
> Kuroo: “Well, that Karasuno’s shorty is a menace, and I don’t really know much about him but he’s green when it comes to technique and experience. There’s his height too. But to think that glasses-kun, who has both height and brains wouldn’t view short as an equal, but as someone he can’t match.”
> 
> Chapter 88 and 89 – “Illusory Hero” and “A Reason”  
> Yamaguchi: “Since we were kids, you’ve dealt with everything in such a smart, cool way that it always left me jealous.”  
> Tsukishima: “…What’s your point?”  
> Yamaguchi: “…The way you’ve been lately is really pathetic!!! Hinata just might become a ‘Small Giant’ someday. But even if that happens, you could still best him! Why not use your skills to prove that you’re a more incredible player than he is!! Even though you have height, brains, and intuition, why do you end up drawing a line where ‘anything beyond that point is impossible’?!”  
> Tsukishima: “…If, for example, I put in an incredible amount of work and became Karasuno’s foremost player, then what? If by some chance, we were able to make it to the Nationals, then what?? There will always be something bigger and better. Even if you get a decent result, you’ll never be able to become ‘the best’. You’ll fall short somewhere. Despite knowing that, just what sort of motivation is driving all of you to keep at it?!”  
> Yamaguchi: “Motivation? WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED THAT PRIDE!!!”
> 
> Kuroo: “Oh”  
> Bokuto: “Oho ho?”  
> Kuroo: “Oho ho ho?”  
> Tsukishima: “…There is something I’d like to ask you. May I?”  
> Kuroo: “Sure”  
> Tsukishima: “Sorry for interrupting, and thank you. Your teams are both moderately strong, right? Even if you were able to make it to the Nationals, it would be certainly difficult to come out on top, right?”  
> Kuroo: “Geh, pretty much!”  
> Bokuto: “It’s not like it’s impossible!!””  
> Akaashi: “Calm down and let’s hear him out. He’s talking hypothetically, you know.”  
> Tsukishima: “I’m genuinely curious. Why would you go to such lengths? Volleyball is only a club, so about the only merit in it is being able to write ‘I worked hard in club activities during my student years’ in a future memoir, right?”  
> Bokuto: “Solely a club. Kinda sounds like it could be someone’s name…”  
> Kuroo: “Ooh! I get it…Solia K. Rabu! No wait, that doesn’t work, he said ‘only a club’.”  
> Bokuto: “Gyaah?! Oh man, he did! You can’t make a name outta that! So close!”  
> Tsukishima: “Should I be making a retort to that?”  
> Akaashi: “Go ahead. They’ll keep this up indefinitely otherwise.”  
> Bokuto: “Oh! Say, Megane-kun.”  
> Tsukishima: “My name is Tsukishima…”  
> Bokuto: “Say, Tsukishima-kun! Do you enjoy playing volleyball?”  
> Tsukishima: “Well, not particularly.”  
> Bokuto: “Isn’t that because you suck at it? Well, I’ve gone to the nationals for three years and I’m absolutely positively better at this than you!”  
> Tsukishima: “I know that even without you telling me.”  
> Bokuto: “But it was only recently that I started to think volleyball was ‘enjoyable’. And that’s because my ‘straight spike’ became usable in actual matches. The cross spike that was originally my specialty kept getting stopped cold. It was so damn frustrating, so I kept practicing. And then, in the next competition, those same opponents who’d blocked me before couldn’t even touch the straight I drove past them. With that one, it felt like, ‘My time had come!!’. It’s a matter of whether ‘that moment’ exists for you or not. What will happen in the future and whether or not you can win the next match…for once, none of that matters. Crushing the guys in front of you, and the amazing feeling of having shown 120% of your strength, are everything. Well, that’s just in my case, so it’s not like it would apply to everyone. That whole ‘only a club’ thing you were saying doesn’t really mean anything to me, but I don’t think it’s wrong. Still if you experience that moment, it’ll really get you hooked on volleyball.”

“One more…” Tsukishima couldn’t believe those words were leaving his mouth. He’d heard them from Hinata, Kageyama, and more recently even Yamaguchi. Now he was saying them.

“Oho ho ho!” Bokuto said, voice raspy and low, “Looks like he’s finally getting into it, Kuroo. Maybe you were right.”

Then, Bokuto stood up straight, relaxed and not in the coiled position to prepare for a play. Tsukishima assumed it was because he had something important to say. Bokuto’s smile was broad and confident.

“I approve.”

That was it. That was all Bokuto said. For someone who love to hear his own head roar, Bokuto should have said a lot more. Tsukishima was thoroughly confused. He turned to Kuroo at his side for guidance, but Kuroo was just smiling at Bokuto. When he caught Tsukishima’s eye, he winked.

“I know right? I always make good decisions,” Kuroo said, placing a hand on his chest and holding his head aloof.

“Like that time you decided to compare Tsukishima-kun to that shorty?”

Kuroo's expression turned into mocking shock. Maybe mixed with a little bit of genuine shock. Tsukishima still couldn't tell with Kuroo.

He wondered vaguely if he might have been missing something, but he brushed it off. It wasn’t unusual if he was missing some inside joke, so it didn't seem significant to warrant paying any more attention to it. Bokuto and Kuroo were close and it happened often.

Tsukishima looked to Akaashi to see if he was going to make a move to stop them from continuing on as they had been earlier. He didn't seem phased by their playful banter this time.

In the next moment, Bokuto assumed an aggressive, low stance. He looked like an owl bracing before flight. The game was back on.

Getting this block right was the only thing on Tsukishima's mind at the moment. It wasn’t coming out right yet, and Tsukishima wondered if he could pull it off tonight. But he wasn’t about to quit. It wasn’t good enough. He had to be able to block better, to form a stronger wall over his opponents.

Kuroo served the ball, which was received by Bokuto. As expected, Akaashi was there to toss the ball. Tsukishima took the chance watch Akaashi close. In this small practice, of course he would toss to Bokuto. There no other choice, but Tsukishima still wanted to observe. Watch for signs of who he would be tossing the ball to for future use. Kuroo was staying back this time, giving Tsukishima a chance to try and block on his own.

Bokuto slammed the ball straight down. The ball blew past his arms and Tsukishima winced. He mentally chastised himself.

"Better, but a little more forward. And the imagining all of your power in your fingertips is more important than you think. It sounds weird, but try it," Kuroo said.

Tsukishima's heart fluttered at the instruction. The tenor of Kuroo's voice when it was giving him direct attention was short circuiting his brain. Even if it was just practicing volleyball and even if it wasn’t different from normal. He took the chance to look back at Kuroo, eyes trained on his chest, but focus traveling elsewhere. To his muscular thighs under the shorts, the tilt of his neck on the side without the tangle of hair, the forearms that tensed and rippled with tendons. Tsukishima brought his attention back to the opposite side of the net.

Bokuto and Akaashi weren't bad to look at either, but it wasn't the same. Kuroo had an edge about him that Tsukishima couldn't help but find himself drawn to. In general, he tried not to be obvious about it.

The next play was much like the first. Kuroo served the ball, Bokuto received, Akaashi set, Bokuto spiked, and Tsukishima tried to block it.

He attempted to follow Kuroo's advice, imagining every ounce of his energy in the small space on the pads on his fingertips. For a second, he could feel the shift of force. It felt like he was pushing the world down underneath him. Tsukishima couldn't hold onto the feeling though, and when Bokuto slammed the ball down again, it ricocheted off of his arm.

When Tsukishima landed, he was still focused on his technique. He was trying to remember that sensation of that last block. That must have been what Kuroo was talking about.

The ball bounced somewhere behind him, although it didn’t sound like it hit the floor. Akaashi winced.

“Whoops! Sorry Kuroo!” Bokuto said.

"It's fine. I'm alri..." Kuroo’s speech was breathy before he stopped talking altogether.

Tsukishima figured, given the sound of the thud that followed, that Kuroo had had to sit down. The ball had probably bounced off of him and knocked the wind out of him.

He turned around to look. Kuroo wasn’t sitting down. Instead, he was lying face-first on the ground. It wouldn’t have been as terrifying except something was wrong. He should have been groaning. Or breathing. Or been moving at all to indicate some sort of pain.

He wasn’t though. He was just lying on the floor. Completely still.

“Kuroo?” Bokuto said. They all seemed to be coming to the same conclusion. Something wasn’t right.

“What happened?” Tsukishima asked, next to Kuroo’s side in the span of a breath.

“The ball hit him in the chest because he wasn’t paying attention! It wasn’t my fault!” Bokuto was near shouting, voice raising higher with each word. He appeared across from Tsukishima, eyes wide and hardly breathing. Akaashi was there too.

“Help me turn him over,” he grunted, hands already underneath Kuroo trying to get him onto his back. Akaashi stayed calm, bending down at the first syllable to turn Kuroo over. Bokuto fumbled for a second, struggling to follow instructions on command, but he helped.

The dead weight of Kuroo’s body wasn’t helping Tsukishima’s nerves at all. The limp body thudded to the floor and rocked a breadth before settling. His eyes were closed and his face looked…peaceful. As if he were taking a nice nap.

“Kuroo! Kuroo!” Tsukishima said, patting the sides of his face. The empty room was filled with the lack of a response. Kuroo's complete stillness was disturbingly unnatural and sent waves of fear and panic through Tsukishima's limbs.

His heart started to rake against his ribcage. This wasn’t happening. His eyes flicked to Kuroo’s chest looking for signs of breathing, but there was nothing.

Tsukishima was moving entirely on instinct, vision tunneling and arms moving of their own accord. His brain was minimally aware of what he was doing and why.

Check for a pulse.

His hands were shaking as he pushed two fingers against Kuroo’s neck. The terror that was beginning to take him over was so extreme that he could never have fathomed it in a million years. Not with a thousand training courses. The world seemed pitch black around him although he could still see his surroundings. The light seemed distant, even as the fluorescent lights flickering right above him.

It appeared that he was not the only one that was affected. Bokuto was stiff as a board, staring at Kuroo’s body wide eyed and still barely breathing himself. Akaashi was blinking. At least he seemed to be functioning even if he was tense and worried. Tsukishima waited a few second, failing to feel the familiar thrum of a heart beat beneath his fingertip.

“One of you call 119. The other one see if you can find an AED.” That was all Tsukishima could tell them. He covered one hand with the other, lacing his fingers. The heel of his bottom hand was placed on the lower portion of Kuroo’s chest bone.

His whole body shifted over Kuroo’s own, all of his weight on the palm of one hand. Then, Tsukishima began the push down in steady beats, counting repetitions. One, two, three, four, five…

Bokuto was scrambling, shouting. Tsukishima wasn’t paying attention, but it appeared that Akaashi was helping. He was saying something to Bokuto and Bokuto ran to his bag, grabbing a cell phone. Akaashi glanced around the room, not finding what he was looking for. Then he ran out of the building.

…twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty.

Tsukishima pinched Kuroo’s nose, briefly wishing that he had bought one of those masks from the class. Not that he would have been able to get it in time...

With his other hand, he tipped Kuroo’s head back enough that his neck stretched. Tsukishima sealed his mouth over Kuroo’s own, trying to keep his breath from quaking. He watched Kuroo’s chest rise and it gave him a tiny spark of hope. At least it was movement, even if it was created by Tsukishima and not Kuroo.

He could do this.

One, two, three, four…he started the cycle over again. The room was quiet except for Bokuto trying to talk to the operator on his phone. Tsukishima silently wished someone else was with them. It wouldn’t be long before he got tired. Even the training course had been tiring, and he had been able to take breaks then.

He breathed more air into Kuroo's lungs again and went straight back to doing chest compressions. His head started to repeat the things he had learned in the CPR course in no particular order. Allow the chest to recoil completely, more than one hundred compressions per minute, thirty cycles and then a rescue breath, make sure the area is safe, breathe just enough to see the chest rise…

Bokuto hung up on the phone and then rejoined Tsukishima. At this point, he assumed Bokuto didn’t know CPR and wouldn't be able to help.

“Is there anything I can do?” Bokuto asked. He was calmer now, but he was still shaking in anticipation.

Tsukishima was too busy counting to answer. In the back of his mind, he was thinking that Bokuto should go get the coaches or someone else. Someone who knew CPR and could relieve him in a little bit. Communicating that wasn’t within his abilities until the next set of rescue breaths.

…fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…

He began to question himself, wondering if he had done everything right so far, running through all of the steps in his head again. This time, trying to put them in order. Call 119, get an AED, chest compressions and rescue breaths, was he forgetting anything? Should he take a break to give Bokuto instruction?

Tsukishima decided against it, waiting until he was about to give the next two breaths to instruct Bokuto to find an adult.

...twenty-nine, thirty…

“Go get Ukai!” he said, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. Then bent down again, breathing two more times, watching Kuroo’s chest rise and fall with painful slowness. The pace was necessary, but he wanted it to happen faster. He wanted to get through all of the steps now and ensure that Kuroo would survive.

On the next set of compressions, Tsukishima realized he was pressing too hard and Kuroo’s chest wasn’t expanding all the way. He was going too fast. Without pausing, he slowed down his pace just a hair. Adrenaline started to flow through his system as he backed off the speed. In an attempt to keep himself calm, he began to visualize what he was doing.

He imagined the heart being pushed down by the breast bone, squeezing Kuroo’s heart and pumping the blood for him. The blood flowed out as if it were being pumped normally. With the breaths, the blood in his lungs became oxygenated before it was pushed back through the heart. As he imagined this, Tsukishima’s burning panic began to subside.

It was impossible to keep count of how many rounds of chest compressions and rescue breaths he had done so far. He could have done five rounds, or it may have been twenty. All Tsukishima knew was that it was a lot. More than it should have been, which should have been zero. His arms began to burn and he was breathing hard from the effort.

Finally, Akaashi came back with an AED in hand. Tsukishima waited until he would have done the next set of rescue breaths. Instead, he turned the AED on and instructed Akaashi to help him push Kuroo’s shirt out of the way.

Tsukishima's hands were shaking furiously when he tried to put the AED together, taking the tape off the pads and putting each pad in its respective spot on Kuroo’s chest. The small movements to assemble the device were proving much more difficult than the large ones required to pump blood. He plugged the wires into the AED, missing once or twice before it connected. Then it was back to chest compressions. He didn’t have time to do the rescue breaths on this round.

The AED started speaking.

“A n a l y z i n g…”

Akaashi watched, trying to help when he could, but he didn’t seem to know CPR either. Tsukishima kept pushing on Kuroo’s chest, trying to maintain the same force he had been earlier, but he was slowing down now. He had been throwing his whole body into the compressions early on, and now it was taking a toll. It was becoming more and more difficult to press with each stroke. His chest ached from his own ragged inhalations.

Finally, the AED spoke again, “A n a l y s i s, c o m p l e t e. S h o c k r e c o m m e n d e d.”

Tsukishima sat up fast, tearing his hands away from Kuroo’s chest.

“Don’t touch him,” he instructed, panting. Akaashi didn’t even move to make contact.  The AED took too long to beep, indicating the charge was ready. Tsukishima jabbed a finger into the yellow flashing light.

Kuroo’s body convulsed once, contracting every muscle in his body in a split second, back arching off the floor. Then he flopped back to the ground. Unmoving again.

“S h o c k a d m i n i s t e r e d."

Tsukishima placed his hands back on Kuroo’s chest, arms only given a moments rest as the defibrillator shocked Kuroo. No matter how tired he was getting or how futile it seemed, Tsukishmia wouldn't be able to stop until Kuroo's heart started again. If Kuroo's heart wouldn't beat for him, Tsukishima would have to beat it until they could get it restarted…If they could start Kuroo’s heart again.

He tried to push that thought aside.

It seemed to last forever. Since the AED had arrived, he could count the rounds of chest compressions and rescue breaths. Each set wore at his own heart, dragging him into a listless state. Tsukishima’s arms were growing heavy. He wanted to stop, wanted to rest and breathe, but he couldn’t. Instead, he kept pushing.

Bokuto finally came back with coach Ukai and coach Nekomata. A few curious teammates peeked into the gymnasium, audibly gasping at the scene.

Then, Ukai and Nekomata were speaking. Neither one of them had ever taken the course to learn CPR.

“R e-a n a l y z i n g…S h o c k r e c o m m e n d e d.”

Tsukishima’s breath left him as he waited for the AED to charge again. How could they be coaches? How could NO ONE except him know CPR?!

He was too tired to tell everyone to back away this time. Tsukishima tried, but the combination of fear and anger and exertion was making it difficult to form a coherent sentence. Thankfully, Akaashi had been paying attention. He was the one who told everyone not to touch Kuroo. Tsukishima focused on regaining his breath in the short amount of time he would have before he would have to continue chest compression. The AED beeped, and Tsukishima pressed the button again.

Kuroo’s body convulsed again, and he sank back to the floor. Tsukishima continued.

No one around him moved. There was nothing else to do except wait for the ambulance to arrive and for Tsukishima to continue CPR.

His vision began to waver. Kuroo’s body became blurry underneath him and his face became hot. A tear slipped from his eyelid and splattered on his glasses.

Tsukishima tried to remember to breathe himself as his arms never stopping to rest as he pounded on Kuroo’s chest. Now that two shocks had been administered, his traitorous mind was running through the possibility of Kuroo never waking up. Of him never being in a match against them again. Of him never seeing a Battle of the Trash Heap. Of the last thing Tsukishima had ever heard from him was instructions on blocking...

He couldn’t wipe the tears and they marked his glasses before falling down onto his own hands. This was never supposed to happen. If it did, it was supposed to happen to some unfortunate stranger on the street. Not to someone he knew. Not the guy helping him learn how to block and play volleyball.

Not the guy he couldn't help but find attractive and alluring.

“R e-a n a l y z i n g…”

When the next shock was delivered, Tsukishima was fully prepared to continue the next round of chest compressions and rescue breaths. His hands found themselves on Kuroo’s chest in moments, forgetting how immensely tired they were.

Kuroo groaned and Tsukishima’s hands stilled, resting against Kuroo’s chest.

He turned over and began coughing, breathing, shaking. Moving.

Tsukishima sat back, stumbling and collapsing onto his hands behind him. As he breathed, his arms began to shake. The coaches had swarmed closer now, talking, tapping Kuroo shoulders and patting his back. Coach Ukai’s hand rested on Tsukishima’s shoulder.

In the next moment, Takeda burst through the door, running and panting hard.

“..I …I heard…” he gasped. He stopped to take in the room, noticing that Kuroo was stirring.

Tsukishima wondered if Takeda knew CPR, but he was too exhausted to ask. Besides, it wasn’t like it mattered anymore. His arms were now shaking too hard to support his weight, and he leaned forward, crumpling in on himself.

Sirens could now be heard in the distance. Tsukishima trembled, breathing easier now, but crying harder. He wiped his eyes with his hand, trying not to draw attention to himself.

When the rescue team finally arrived, they listened as Akaashi recounted the events before taking Kuroo to the hospital. One of the rescue squad commended Tsukishima on his efforts. By the time it was all over, Tsukishima was almost breathing normally again, still in shock but breathing and not shaking quite as hard. The attention in the room turned to him at last.

He was unprepared for the onslaught of congratulations and praise. It didn’t feel like it was worth it.

It was just a game…

* * *

  
The next day, practice continued as normal in the morning, but without the ever obvious presence of Kuroo. Kenma had seemed worried at times, but when he checked his phone, he relaxed. On the other hand, Bokuto was tense and missing shots often. Akaashi was forced to take him aside at one point to calm him down.

Tsukishima felt distanced from all of it. The hill runs just happened, but it wasn’t like he was the one running. His legs just moved, as if propelled by someone else. Someone not Tsukishima. Nothing seemed tiring. Nothing seemed easy either. If his blocking was any better today, he didn’t even notice.

They broke for lunch. While they were eating, Kuroo finally, finally came back.

“Hey you lazy pieces of crap...” was his introduction with that sly smirk of his. It didn’t feel real. How the hell could he have almost died, come back, and the first thing he does is make a shitty joke? Bokuto was on top of Kuroo in a heart-beat, practically squeezing the life out of him. Tsukishima thought of how ironic it would be if he caused Kuroo to have another cardiac arrest.

Now he was making bad jokes in his own head.

Kenma was close by, observing, but if he was excited or relieved, Tsukishima couldn’t tell. He felt obligated to go join the welcome group, even though his own heart wasn’t in it.

When he walked over to the group, the room fell silent. Even Bokuto stopped talking. Tsukishima wished everyone wouldn’t watch them. Wished that not so many people had witnessed Kuroo’s near death experience. Or maybe that more people knew CPR so Tsukishima wouldn’t be the only one to help save Kuroo's life. He didn’t even know what to say in this situation. _Hey, glad you’re alright_ didn’t seem to cut it.

Kuroo gave him a huge smile. Tsukishima could almost see the flash of another bad humored joke in Kuroo’s eyes, but he didn’t say it out loud this time. It made his blood boil at how dumb Kuroo could be.

“Could you try _dying_ less the next time you’re teaching me how to block?” his voice was low and annoyed.

There was silence before Bokuto started chuckling, trying to hide it behind his hand. Then Akaashi smiled and gave a few sparse laughs. Finally the rest of the room cracked, laughing or trying to politely snicker. Even Kuroo was laughing, although it was not quite as hard as everyone else was laughing.

The rest of the day was…awkward. Kuroo insisted on practicing and the coaches kept trying to get him to take it easy. Tsukishima didn’t get it. He had almost died. How could he continue about his day as if nothing had happened?

It was easier to focus in the afternoon in their match against Fukurodani, although Tsukishima still couldn't tell if he had improved, still somewhat distracted. Kuroo seemed to notice a difference though.

Once the regular practice was over, Kuroo still went to the extra practices with Bokuto, inviting Tsukishima to join them. It seemed downright rude to refuse, although he would have gone regardless.

None of them practiced too hard, no matter how much Kuroo insisted he was alright. Not even Bokuto. Hinata and Lev ended up joining them that night, and Kuroo used their interference to suggest a three on three match. He had enough sense to do more coaching than playing, for which Tsukishima was thankful.

It was still ridiculous. The whole thing was pure ridiculousness.

Afterwards, Kuroo asked to speak with Tsukishima for a bit. He knew he should have been expecting a real thanks, but Tsukishima hadn't wanted to think about it. It was already poisoning his whole day. Facing it directly was too much to ask. Especially from Kuroo of all people.

“How are you?” Kuroo asked, leaning up against the brick wall of the building, arms hanging limp by his sides. He regarded Tsukishima as if he was the one who almost died.

Tsukishima stared. Kuroo wasn’t the one who should have been asking that question. Yet, his expression was nothing but serious, kind almost, which was saying something for Kuroo.

“I’ve been better…” He was about to ask the same of Kuroo, but it fell flat. Kuroo was at practice. Present an in the moment even. It was like the events from yesterday had never even happened. Like he had never been hit in the chest and his heart had never stopped. For Tsukishima, the whole world was in a haze. He wondered if maybe he hadn't imagined the whole thing.

“Why are you here?” Tsukishima asked.

“Isn’t that obvious? I wanted to thank you for saving my life. The nurses were telling me all about it. Apparently it was quite the stor…”

“Not that! Why are you at practice? Why haven’t you quit yet? Why won’t you just sit down and REST at the very least! You almost died! How?? How can you even consider coming back?” Tsukishima was clenching his fists. None of it made sense! Kuroo’s eyes blew wide at Tsukishima’s outburst, but he couldn’t stop.

Somewhere deep down, he realized he blamed Kuroo for making him feel as shitty as he did that day. Or Bokuto. Someone. Someone had to be responsible and Kuroo was standing in front of him right now confronting the issue directly.

“It’s just a club! It’s just a game!! Is volleyball really that important to you?!”

Kuroo was watching him, eyes unwavering, but they had turned soft. He was still leaning against the wall, but it didn't look quite as comfortable as it had at first.

“I…quitting never even crossed my mind. I mean, what Bokuto was saying yesterday may have seemed like a lot of hooey at the time. He’s full of all sorts of bullshit. But there’s probably some truth to what he was saying. It’s what I live for. Frustrating people with my blocks and receives. What else would I even do? Play basketball?!” Kuroo looked like that last statement was the worst thing he could think of.

Tsukishima wanted to shout at him, wanted to scream and make him realize what a fool he was being. Instead, he just stood, quaking. Kuroo continued in the absence of a retort.

“Why didn’t you quit if you’re so concerned? The same thing could have happened to you.”

“I…” oh. That thought hadn’t crossed Tsukishima’s mind. By his own logic, he should quit too. And yet, quitting seemed unreasonable, even to him.

Sure, he was a little shaken, but never practicing again seemed extreme and unhelpful. It wasn’t like that sort of crisis happened with any regularity. It was a rare anomaly. Besides, it could happen in almost any sport. Tsukishima wasn’t concerned about it happening to him, in volleyball or elsewhere. Although right now his heart felt tight and it was getting difficult to breathe. Kuroo began speaking when Tsukishima didn’t.

“Look, while I was in the hospital, I did a lot of thinking. I decided that life’s too short to go on without letting people know how you feel about them. So I wanted to tell you how I felt.

“I had to tell you that I think you’re a really amazing guy. You’re exceptionally smart and intuitive. It’s to a point where I’m almost jealous. It’s like you have Kenma’s observation skills, but with more motivation. Although, any motivation at all is more than Kenma’s. Plus, you have all of the natural assets that are beneficial to volleyball. You have a lot of gifts, and I’d hate to see you waste them. Don’t let that shrimp win.”

Kuroo stopped talking and Tsukishima was frozen. Here was the guy who almost died, telling him to try harder. Tsukishima opened his mouth to talk, but he couldn’t find any words. How could he refute any of that?

After a moment, Kuroo moved away from the wall. He stood in front of Tsukishima, eyes hard and determined. When Tsukishima was already at a loss for how to respond, making sense of his new stance was impossible.

A hand shifted to the back of Kuroo’s head and he looked down at his feet before speaking again.

“I…uh…I should probably tell you too, and you don’t have to respond, but I figured it was fair. You save my life so I can at least tell you I like you…I umm…I’m sorry if you find that weird. I don’t expect you to say anything in return, or you could even be mad. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for it. I just wanted to tell you…I decided that hiding that from you would end tonight.”

Now Tsukishima was going to need CPR. Crying twice in two days was decidedly uncool and he was so determined not to do that.

He brushed his eyes with a finger, not wanting to look at Kuroo anymore. Or not wanting Kuroo to see him. Kuroo didn’t move, watching him silently. Tsukishima tried to gather himself enough to say something. Anything. Jokes even, it didn’t matter, just speak! Dammit!

When he did speak, his voice was low and raspy and the words were coming out between hard breaths.

“I save your life…and you fucking…come out to me...shit, I should have let you die,” Tsukishima said. Kuroo eyes were half-lidded and he looked like he was ready to accept anything Tsukishima wanted to throw at him. If Tsukishima wanted to set him on fire, he might have given him a match and kerosene. He must have thought long and hard about this.

Now that Tsukishima was talking, he could control his emotions better, but still not perfect.

“I like you too, Kuroo,” it came out bitter, and strangled, and Tsukishima wasn’t sure if it sounded real or fake to Kuroo. He looked at Kuroo again whose eyes wide and uncertain. Tsukishima tried to laugh to cover up how nervous he was, or make it sound like a joke.

It wasn't working.

“I should go…” he said. It was too much pressure. The guy he had saved from brain damage or even death telling Tsukishima he liked him…was too much to handle. Sure, it was nice, but he was being crushed by emotions. His heart was caving it on itself and pressure was building in his head.

Tsukishima turned to leave, but his forearm was caught by Kuroo hand. He stood frozen, unwilling to resist or turn back around. Kuroo let out a sharp exhale behind him.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked. Of course he hurt Tsukishima! He’d almost died and then spent the whole day pretending nothing had happened to have it end with him telling Tsukishima he had a crush on him! Which had probably been going on for a while without Tsukishima noticing…The banter with Bokuto and the wink were starting to make sense now. How could all of that not hurt?!

Tsukishima shook his head no, but didn’t make a sound. His movements felt slow and suspended in time.

Kuroo sighed and shifted, never letting go of Tsukishima’s arm. Instead, he moved closer, and wrapped his arms around Tsukishima's shoulders, staying behind him and leaving a safe space between their bodies.

“I’m sorry.”

The silence was palpable, broken only by Tsukishima’s restricted breathing. He hissed a breath, still angry at himself for almost crying again. Kuroo’s arms were strong and comforting. Warm even. After a moment, Tsukishima turned toward him, returning the embrace.

He strained more to keep the tears from falling now, forcing his breathing to slow down. The sense of complete dread that was threatening to engulf him was pushed deep into his stomach. Perhaps he should have been happy. It wasn’t every day that he found someone he like that liked him back. In fact, it had never happened before.

It definitely wasn’t every day that he saved someone’s life and then was reminded of the importance of living by that person.

Once his breathing returned to normal, Tsukishima finally spoke, head still resting on Kuroo’s shoulder, “You should have said something sooner…idiot.”

Kuroo snickered, hand raising to stroke Tsukishima’s back.

“From now on, I will. Sooner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to (what was previously) the end where I tell you Commotio cordis isn’t a pretty Latin word that lends itself to being cutesy and romantic, but a medical term for a literal disruption of the heart. I work in the medical field and know too much to be considered safe for fanfiction. I also had to retake the mandatory CPR training recently. 
> 
> Sorry if you had to find out this way. Also...don't attempt CPR without taking the course...this is not instructional...
> 
> It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects


	2. Heartbeat Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone said that Kuroo needed to make it up to Tsukki, and while I assumed he would when I wrote the first chapter, and I thought it would be cute for readers to see, so I obliged. 
> 
> This is approximately 382974% pure, tooth decaying fluff so yeah…lol

“Come on,” Kuroo said, grabbing Tsukishima’s hand, “I wanna show you something.”

“Where are we going?”

Kuroo didn’t answer.  Instead, he smiled back at Tsukishima, and expression that said _just trust me for a minute_.

It was alright until they walked past the gyms and most of the housing and then the cafeteria.  There was only one building left until the edge of the campus, and then they’d be going out of boundaries of the school.

“Wait, won’t we get in trouble?” Tsukishima said, pulling back a little.  His hand freed itself from Kuroo’s grasp.

Kuroo put his hands to his lips to shush Tsukishima, but it was too late.  A door opened to the side of them, and Yaku stood in the doorway.  The light from inside the building silhouetted his frame, making the small guy seem huge.

He stood there, arms folded, leaning against the door frame.

As soon as the door opened, Tsukishima froze.  They had been caught, and now they were going to have to face the consequences.  This was the last thing Tsukishima wanted.

When he looked over to Kuroo though, Kuroo was smiling.  His hands weren’t doing anything to indicate embarrassment, he wasn’t shuffling his feet or hiding his eyes, he was just smiling.  Looking at Yaku.

Yaku sighed, “Be careful,” he whispered, “We’ll cover for you.”

At that moment, Lev appeared in the doorway with the effect of making Yaku seem as small as he actually was again.  Tsukishima blinked.  He wasn’t fond of the idea of so many people knowing that Kuroo and him were going to go somewhere alone.

Kuroo mouthed a silent, “Thanks,” and started walking again.  When the door did shut at last, Kuroo turned and put his finger on his lips once again.  After summoning Yaku on accident, Tsukishima didn’t need to be told again.  Then, Kuroo took Tsukishima’s hand again and they began walking again.

They walked past the buildings, up the hill that they ran up every day for warm-ups or punishment.  Tsukishima took the time to look around now that he wasn’t being forced to run these hills for practice, although he couldn’t see very far in the dark.  He could still see trees outlined by the silvery moon against the black sky.

After a while, they made it to the tree where they would turn around to run back down the hill, not panting half as hard as they normally would be when they reached it.

Kuroo stood still, but he wheeled Tsukishima around so they were standing just outside of the branches of the tree.  The tree blocked them from the view of the cabins.  Kuroo didn’t say anything, but instead sat down, looking up at Tsukishima to follow.

Before he decided to sit, Tsukishima glanced around, surveying their surroundings as best he could.  He couldn’t see anything that Kuroo might want to show him up here at first, but he decide that he could trust him.  So Tsukishima sat.

The grass was cool against his hands as he settled, but his shorts protected his seat from being too cold.  Once he had lowered himself and was sitting cross-legged next to Kuroo, he expected Kuroo to start talking.  Or do something.

Instead, Kuroo sat still, eyelids half-lowered as he stared into the distance.  A small smile played on his lips.  He seemed content.  Tsukishima followed his gaze, but he didn’t see anything at first.  His eyes flicked across the small hills dotting the landscape in front of them, barely visible in the dark.  There wasn’t anything there that he could figure Kuroo would take him all the way up there for at the risk of getting into trouble.

A moment later, Tsukishima saw it.  His breath caught, and his eyes grew large.  Surely, Kuroo hadn’t brought him up here to look at the stars.  That was so lame…

Kuroo’s voice shook him out of his stunned daze, “I know it probably seems silly and stupid to you,” Tsukishima looked at him and tried to hide the discontent on his face.  It didn’t seem to be working considering the way Kuroo smiled at him as if he knew he hit the nail on the head.  A breeze pushed Kuroo’s hair back.  He didn’t seem to be in a hurry to explain himself, but Tsukishima could tell he wasn’t done talking.  Kuroo took the time to lay back on the grass, putting his hands behind his head, eyes closed until he was comfortable.

When Kuroo’s eyes opened, dark yellow and twinkling in the starlight, he spoke again, “Sometime I think we forget to live in the moment.  Enjoy what’s around us…"

It seemed like he wanted to say more, but he stopped and fell silent.  Tsukishima looked around in the dark as the absence of noise stretched on.  He didn’t bother to look at the stars, but he was content to spend a little more time with Kuroo.  Another breeze ruffled his own hair and then the air grew calm.  Tsukishima closed his eyes and relaxed.

In the quiet between breezes, he realized that he could hear Kuroo breathing.  His attention focused itself on the slight noise.  When the wind blew, it covered the sound of Kuroo’s breaths, but when he could hear it, he could feel his own breaths falling into sync.

At last, he looked up at the vast expanse of black sky, shining with small white lights.  It had been a long time since he had gone star gazing with his brother.

After a long minute of looking at the stars, Tsukishima glanced back at Kuroo.  His eyes were now closed and he seemed at peace, so Tsukishima watched him for a while.

He watched Kuroo’s chest rise and fall with each slow breath that he took. Tsukishima was reminded of yesterday when he was the one who made that happen.  It seemed like so long ago at this point.  A distant memory.

Strange, how he could go from not being able to get it out of his mind to feeling as if it had been years ago in a matter of hours.

When Tsukishima looked back out at the stars, he felt small all of a sudden.  He began to notice how cold the air was around them, or perhaps it was just the sweat evaporating.

“I still think you’ll be a great volleyball player,” Kuroo’s voice broke through the silence, making the wind seem quiet again.  Tsukishima couldn’t hear his breathing any longer either.

He didn’t want to respond, so instead he picked at the grass, each blade cool against his fingers, but warming soon after he plucked them from the ground.

“I mean it,” Kuroo continue, “But more than anything, I just want you to have fun with it.  Not enough people value fun anymore, but that’s how people get passionate about something.  It’s a great, and under-utilized motivator. Plus…” he paused again, and Tsukishima wondered if Kuroo was going to finish his thoughts or leave them hanging again.

“Life’s too short…”

Kuroo wasn’t even looking at Tsukishima anymore, just gazing up into the darkness.  He wondered how many times Kuroo had used that phrase just today since he had heard it twice himself.  He also wondered if that wasn’t the reason that Yaku had covered for them instead of turning them in.

It was like Kuroo was trying to reminding himself.  As if having a near-death experience couldn’t force him to live in the moment and he was trying to teach himself how.  Reminding himself every time he forgot even for a second.  Trying to justify his actions and communicate the importance of his lesson to other people.

Tsukishima was beginning to realize how much yesterday had affected Kuroo, even though he hadn’t let on about it at first.

He looked back again, thinking and watching as Kuroo stared at nothing, lost in his own thoughts.

There was a sudden urge to touch Kuroo, but he didn’t know how.  Tsukishima’s eyes flicked back down to Kuroo’s chest, still rising and falling.  He still couldn’t hear it.

On any other occasion, he might have let the urge pass, ignoring it and moving on.  Now, he was restless.

Tsukishima shifted towards Kuroo, putting his weight on one hand as he moved closer.  At his movement, Kuroo’s hands left the back of his head, pausing to hover beside his ears as he started, head now lifted off the ground with nothing to support it.  His eyes were running over Tsukishima’s face, his torso, everything trying to understand what Tsukishima was doing.

“Wha…” Kuroo began, but Tsukishima cut him off.

“Shh, don’t move.”

Despite his eyes being wide with surprise, Kuroo’s mouth closed and he stayed still.  The only part of him that moved was his chest which was still rising and falling, a little faster than it had been.

Tsukishima turned his head turned towards Kuroo’s feet as he placed his ear on the center of his chest.  He listened to the pounding of Kuroo’s heart, each beat strong and full of life.  The sound sped up as Kuroo held his breath.

Hearing Kuroo’s heartbeat somehow made the fact that he was still alive more real.  It was as if Tsukishima hadn’t believe Kuroo had survived yesterday until he could hear it for himself.  He felt his tensed shoulders relax.

When he had first thought of the idea, Tsukishima had every intention of pulling away once he had heard Kuroo’s heart.  Now, he was content to stay there, listening to each beat, feeling it pulse beneath his cheek and echoing in the rest of his body.

After a moment, Kuroo’s head sank back to the ground.  He wrapped an arm around Tsukishima’s back, drawing him closer.  When it was clear they were going to stay like that for a while, Tsukishima wrapped his own arm around Kuroo’s stomach.

At some point, this moment would end and they’d have to go back to their cabins, their separate schools, and their own lives.  For now, they were both content to stay there like that, soaking up as much of each other’s presence as allowable.

* * *

The bus frame rattled as Tsukishima sat, staring out of the window.  Rain drops chased each other across the windowsill.  Some of the team was asleep on the ride back, such as the hyperactive idiots.  Others were listening to music or chatting with one another.  The already quiet bus was further muffled by Tsukishima’s headphones, even though they weren’t hooked up to his ipod yet.

Yamaguchi was dozing next to him, not asleep, but relaxing with his eyes closed.  He seemed content with the improvements he had made over the week.

As he sat on the bus, Tsukishima began to grow discontent.  He realized he didn’t want to leave the camp.  For the first time in ages, he wanted to play volleyball instead of doing anything else.  He had to admit, half the reason he wanted to practice was because he got to spend time with Kuroo.

They weren’t open about their feelings towards one another around their teammates, although a few of them guessed.  Neither one of them wanted to start a serious relationship so far away though.  It just wasn’t practical.

It didn’t make it hurt less, but it was the logical option.

The bus drove onwards and Tsukishima’s heart sank with each mile that was put between him and Kuroo.  They had exchanged numbers, and they could still text and talk, but it wasn’t the same.  He wished that he had been able to capture that night on the hill for just a little longer.  Or perhaps he wished that they were still there.  It would be nice if they lived close enough to do that every night.

But that was the point wasn’t it?  That’s what Kuroo had been trying to tell him which Tsukishima had failed to grasp.  Life WAS too short.

He squinted his eyes, trying to make the hollow pain in his chest subside a little.  Instead of dwelling on what couldn’t be, Tsukishima pulled out his ipod, thinking back to when Kuroo had taken it.

_“I have a gift for you, but I’ll need your ipod for the day.”_

_“What do you need that for?”_

_“It’s a surprise.”_

Kuroo had said, the memory flashing through Tsukishima’s mind, still fresh and bright.  He scanned through the ipod now as Kuroo had only given it back right before they left.  All the while, Tsukishima kept replaying those moments with Kuroo in his head, trying to remember all the details of Kuroo’s expression, the way he smiled, every piece of advice he’d given him about blocking.  Every memory was in danger of fading, and he didn’t know how to hold onto them other than replay them as often as he could.  He tried to ignore that one unpleasant memory in the middle of the week…

He found the new addition to his ipod at last.  It wasn’t hard to spot as it said “Hearts from Kuroo.”

How lame.

Tsukishima scoffed at the name, causing Yamaguchi to twitch beside him.  He waited until he was certain that he hadn’t disrupted Yamaguchi’s rest further.  Then he pressed play.

It took him too long to register what he was hearing.  At first it sounded like nothing except his own heartbeat in the headphones.  Then Tsukishima noticed how muffled and swishy the sound was.

The sound wasn’t his heart at all.  It was Kuroo’s heartbeat.  The nurse must have given him the echo recording from the hospital, and he had turned it into a looping sound byte to put on Tsukishima’s ipod.

Tsukishima inhaled deep, chest expanding until his lungs hurt, biting his lips to keep the air inside.  Once he released his breath, he looked around making sure no one had seen his reaction.  Then, he pulled out his phone.

~ Hey

A few seconds passed, then his phone vibrated with a text.

~ Yeah?

~ Just checking to see if you were alive still.  I’d hate to play this if it wasn’t happening right now.

He got am emoji with its tongue sticking out in return.  Kuroo was still making jokes about his near death experience.  Btu then again, Tsukishima has started it this time.  He waited a breath, then he sent one more text.

~ Thank you

Then, he sat back, listening to the rhythmic pounding of Kuroo’s recorded heartbeat for the rest of the ride back.


End file.
